2020.10.25 05:03 CoffeeAndCroissants_ 29 [M4F] San Francisco - Looking for a FWB situation (All ages welcome)
Hey! I'm a 29 year old Asian male looking for a mature fwb partner OR an adventure/activity partner with the fwb features. Dating sucks and relationships get messy. So let's just have some fun! By no means am I looking for a relationship, but if things do take a turn (through honest communication on both our ends) I'll be open to it. But for now, fwb is the main idea.
A little about me:
I'm kinky, and love rough OR passionate sex. I love hiking, lifting weights at the gym, and staying active. I also enjoy staying in and flipping through Netflix. Coffee, the beach, food, gym, and grabbing boba is important to me lol. I'm STD and Covid free. Let's share some fantasies and help each other live them out 😊. Milfs, soccer moms, and cougars to the front!
PM me if you're interested!
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2020.10.15 23:11 DJ-Gatsby I'm posting shower thoughts here now because people keep interrupting me. This is anarchy
One thing I was thinking is that when you see a black or Hispanic kind of crime and ask 'what kind of animal would do this?' it's usually a gorilla or a honey badger. When you see a Police Brutality kind of crime and ask 'what kind of animal would do this?' it's usually an eel, a hyiena, or a tapeworm. #BLM ya know?
Idk if people are editing my posts yet... Lol
Check out this song I found. im not sure what Fi it is. I guess it's just analogue. AM // Radio
One thing I was thinking is I kind of want to make a black baby with this red head girl offline. One thing about red heads is they have way bigger titties than you expect once their shirt is off.
I just decided I'm not even a volunteer Constable any more. I'm an International Defender of Goodwill. This Song just hit me in my 'feelin like a badass feelings'. All's I wanna do is put titties in my face and make babies. I just feel like a New Movie® just ended. It's LoFi.
Phuck. I just decided girls aren't even plates they're peaches because I like peaches and peaches are good for you.
Welp, after all this stolen valor on part of the racists or the super spookely dookely doesn't even actually exist KKK, and all the idgaf about flag code because it's not about that it's about discriminating certain classes or stereotypes the police get annoyed by plus the fact that Colin Kaepernick actually knows a lot about flag code and even though it's in the realm of Social Justice (a cops least favorite school subject in cop college) it's actually kind of important. So I guess the point is I'm starting to feel kind of like #acab
Open Mike Eagle's New Album this shit is fucking lit!! Go my favorite musical artists go!
Oh ya I forgot I'm u/MrSpaghettibyChives and this is a kōhn I wrote.
. . .
A man died and went to see the God of his own devise. His God asked him, "Why should I allow you into my Heaven?"
He said "because I'm an American"
And his God said "welcome into Heaven, now get to work."
The man asked "can I take a break first?"
and God said, "You will have to ask your immediate supervisor about scheduled breaks."
She said, "because I have birthed and raised children"
And God said, "welcome into Heaven, the world is in the palm of your hand and you will never have to birth or raise children again."
He said, "because I have completed the 12 steps"
And God said, "welcome to Heaven, now let loose in an eternal bliss of psychedelic ecstasy."
Swatting flies one at a time on m patio makes me angry. I need to get scientific about genocidin flies if only I knew how to Google better. What is Google? Like all I think of when I think of Google is just all the colors we used to have.
Ya know, sometimes I feel like I dreamed up the world one night at a time. Isn't that neat? You can call me Kippy Cap, only people who don't know me call me Captain Crunch ™.
This Album makes me feel emmaculate. Like viewing the Earth from Space.
I was thinking about how the term 'cop' is actually a derogatory term and you used to not be able to get away with calling cops, cops but now everybody stopped giving a fuck so bad that people graduate from the academy calling themselves cops. Derived from slang for con-man or highway robbers. Isn't that dumb?
As far as white folks down south that keep it real check this shit out.
Plus check out Upchurch he's basically the crippest except he's white.
This album makes me feel like Hugo Chavez.
This Song makes me feel like Phoenix, Arizona.
This album makes me feel like Kendrick Lamar.
One thing about today is that I thought of Joe Walsh's song 'Life's Been Good' and decided to turn off rap music and listen to Rock 'n Roll and drink beer instead.
This album makes me feel like DJ-Gatsby.
This albums about Southern Hospitality. They's just as happy and friendly as normal white folks.
This Song makes me feel like Hugo Chavez except I'm in the middle of burning down the desert.
One thing I was thinking that most my white friends don't understand that I've started to catch on to is that black people think we're scary. Like black people's skin absorbs more light which makes a black person look 'bigger' or has more mass than an equally sized white guy. That makes black people seem scary to white people.
However, white people's skin reflects light and makes everyone look like a 'Christian'. Thing about the white's that is most terrifying though is that they usually support 'Law enforcement' and know how to use guns. That's like some straight up dangerous folks to be around.
Check out my chill shit.
I'd say the main goal of tinder is the destruction of human values where as the main goal of Bumble is green eyes. Plus watch out for parasites and predators. This is the goddamn internet. Tinder is all like 'you don't have to masturbate but you still gotta be depressed about the electric bill' and Bumble is all like 'having sex is like taking pictures of food and shit'.
I'd say the thing I hate most about Biden is that he's a psychopathic pervert who already admitted he would damn his soul to hell to get ahead. Thing I hate most about Trump is that he's a pedophile and supports the work of Margret Sanger (who loved aborting black babies most). He spoke at KKK eugenics conventions alongside her and the Clinton's and afterword were seen in many, many photographs sipping coffee and tea very late into the night. Politics right? So dumb and annoying.
Hey wasn't there something satanic about the Liberty Bell? Or they burned down the Presidents House and Edgar Allen Poe got all drunk? I'm pretty sure there was something satanic about Alamo or El Paso or whatever it's called because of the old Fountain of Youth conspiracies. Phoenix, Arizona seems pretty chill until it starts to feel like Pawnee, Indiana from TV because it's just 'Train' themed parks except the took away all the fun facts about Cowboys and Indians. Plus, as part of my schizophrenic I decided we used to have pyramids. Hey I just thought of a good history book titled. America: Raped to Death, East to West
One time Taylor Swift™ got sybianed to death in a garage. It was like a trashy version of Interstella 5555
One thing I was just thinking about is that getting hypnotized by the drum machine (a.k.a. studio fever) really sucks. I've done it so many times now that the thrill is gone and I just have to acknowledge the fact that it's dumb.
This is more like that one time where I just got hypnotized by the drum machine and it wasn't actually like Interstella 5555 though.
One thing I noticed is that the bumble and tinder bitches in my general area like to vibe. All's they wanna do is vibe. Who would have come up with that type of terminology and why won't girls who like to vibe fuck me? Seems dumb...
One thing about how the Sun is dying is that our Galaxy is currently being swallowed by a black hole. But don't take my word for it, my degree is in Artist not Scientist.
Hey I just had this idea of polyphonic baritone sax and doing it like a autoharp or something.
Hey check out the biggest album of the decade called JESUS IS KING on Tidal especially because they have Master copies and High Fidelity sound.
As a lawyer, I find it satisfying when people sue the fuck out of local government or public transportation because Taxation Is The Price We Pay To Live In A Civilized Society.
Oh ya I forgotten I'm claxstin_montgomery yada yada bullshit soliloquy
One thing about me is that I'm always broke, I ain't got the rent, and all's I wanna do is get high and put titties in my face. Ain't got no drive and I ain't no what to do.
One thing about London is that Everything is Fine and we've removed all sharp objects from sight as well as some potentially blunt or heavy objects.
As Antifa, I'd say my love for Milfs is primarily derived from wantin' triplets.
Dear Jesus, that protectandserve recieves proper Reddit Karma. God bless us everyone.
In America you gotta say extra Christian shit than usually for Sunday. Like for instance, Liberty and Justice for All. Amen.
One thing that annoys the fuck out of me is that people perceive me to be privileged because I can find good deals. A privilege is something you don't earn. Knowing that buying 3 four-packs of something is almost always cheaper than buying one 10-pack. I'm not privileged because I buy the cheapest and highest quality toothpaste (which is Arm & Hammer). I'm privileged when people see that I use it. That reminds me that white teeth is a big advantage if you want people to think of you as a moral person.
Check out this Old School Shit. I used to mix this shit in with like Black Eyed Peas and JT and shit. I'd have like stacks a burned CDs I'd give to people free of charge n shit. Those were the days.
I was thinking about how I would make like 500 or 1000 racist hats a day around this time last year. I wonder where the racist cops who put on my hats are these days? I even made some hats that for these cops that had the cover of Lexus Rexus on it. That song is Scientifically Proven™ to make cops really really angry. Talk about Irony right? Or is that called sarcasm or coincidence or something? Idk. And don't even get me started on the Wave Cap Incident🌊 🌊 🌊
Hey I wonder if Solar Winter could be that instead of doing fission we polluted our minds with this super cool new stuff called dark matter. There is catalogues of music about the sun is dying 🌞. Isn't that wierd?
One thing about Eugenics experiments is that the rats always kill themselves. Nobody can figure out why. Isn't that wierd? Plus, when the 'Alpha Rats' process a superior species the parents generally tend to kill it. Like take for instance, White, blond haired, green eyed people in a eugenics experiment would produce a dark skinned, blond haired, blue eyed baby no matter what. So no big deal right? It's 1 better than the parents? There's already a lot of Black people with Green eyes and a lot of Hispanic people with Golden eyes. But they are low on Lutein and Vitamin D and other shit. Idk why we can't find a way to fix that kind of systemic problem as a country.
As someone who has knowledge that everyone's teeth is falling out no matter who you are or how old you are, I'd advise TheraBreath®
It keeps yo teeth from stinking like shit. You gotta floss too.
One thing about people who are fat as fuck is that if you were to eat like 1lb of omega vitamins a day you would get super skinny because you were always full. Like that one guy who was fat as fuck who stopped eating for a year on reddit back in the day could have just taken fuck loads of omega fatty acids as well. So basically, take your gummy vitamins everyday. Take vitamins A-Z and omega fatty acids as all gummy bears. Take every single last one of your L-Aminos Acids too.
One thing that sucks about being fat as fuck is that your basically starving to death while eating mush that makes you feel like shit. It doesn't even make you not hungry. Seems dumb as fuck, but it's the American Way™.
I fuckin hate infectors. If somebody is infecting you or your shit (say like a PC or a Phone) I say you should fuckin publicly execute them for being spreaders of infections and viral diseases. It's for the Greater Good.
Honestly, I'm just super bummed because starting to feel like the rapture is happening and I got left behind with the fuckin infectors. Hate those guys. They make me so mad sometimes I just wanna bash 'em in. 😩
The miracles of modern technology are so amazing. Like I have this brain wave binaural beats app that helps me fall asleep at night and then in the morning it helps me wake up and take a shit. Then during the day it helps me not be in my feelings like Drake. Plus, I just jacked off so I guess you could say I feel better.
This is a song about gettin' hypnotized
Check out this radass album
I just remembered that people should be allowed control over their own bodies and cognitive systems such as endorphin and hormone levels. Like I should be allowed to smoke meth and fentanyl and LSD and mushrooms and MDMA whenever I want because I know what's best for my health.
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2020.10.13 15:28 Meda13Octl What you are looking for is..... (Link in the Desc.)3
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2020.10.07 16:03 IdolA7Octl What you are looking for is..... (Link in the Desc.)4
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2020.10.07 13:19 pineappleshirts my (f22) boyfriend (m23) won't stop screenshotting girls pictures on instagram
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year but we've been friends for about 3. it's been going really well, but we have some major issues we need to work out.
a couple months ago i found his kik and read the messages and he was sexting with girls on there and on reddit, and worst of all this was On My Birthday after he told me he was too sick to come hang out with me. when i confronted him about that he said he was just "trying to get ideas of what we could do together and that they were just bots so it didn't matter" even though i stressed to him that it mattered a Lot.
the main point is that he is very sexual but it seems like it's not with me. one day i went on his phone (with his permission) to send myself a picture of us we had taken and found tons of screenshots of girls that he knows from insta. when i asked him about it he laughed it off and said "oh haha i just use that for my spank bank" and proceeded to add them a locked folder right in front of my face. well since i was already worried i went back through his phone and found his locked folder and went in, and there are tons of nudes and screenshots all of other girls (including old pictures of his exes). i then asked him about it and told him how it made me feel. and it made feel like shit. he said he would delete them.
fast forward to today and i was really suspicious bc yesterday he kept locking his phone and putting it down really fast when i walked around. so i went and checked while he was sleeping (my own fault for being nosy) and not only has he not deleted any of the old stuff, but he's added New ones. this time they were of sex workers/porn stars and stuff, which i suppose is better than girls he and i know but...
i don't know what to do? it makes me feel so terrible and insecure and ugly but i know he loves me and we've talked about getting a place and staying together for a long time. there are so many more things he's done that i haven't even mentioned here (talking about old sex he's had on snap with his exes, be friends with girls who post nudes on snap, making it a point to check out "milfs" while i'm with him)
do i break up with him? do i confront him again about it all (which will involve him losing trust in me since i went through his phone, but i also don't have a lot of trust in him right now)? do i just pretend like nothing ever happened and live with it? am i overreacting? i'm just so lost bc i love him so much.
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2020.10.02 14:15 SloppyEyeScream Sex milf live
Sloppy is back and I am so very excited to see that MilitaryStories is open for business again. This is by far my favorite Sub, and I really enjoy my correspondence with the regulars. I posted a total of four Hawk stories while you were away. They don't necessarily build off each other, so I am posting the most recent story. I will post the others if there is a demand for more.
Before we get to the story I would like to mention that I reference other stories, specifically Cake stories throughout. This particular story starts with a sideways rant, but it flows well into the Hawk story. There is a reason, and I promise to tie it all together for you in the end. Please don't hesitate to reach out and let me know if you are interested in the others. I don't want to inundate the Sub will all my stories, but I am more than happy to provide you links to them. I hope you enjoy. Welcome back and Cheers friends!
Seriously? Shame on you if you actually thought I was done ranting.
Wife: Nobody thinks you're funny.
OP: If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
That sounds mighty arrogant Sloppy! Dear Reader, it's more honesty than anything. One of the Eleven Timeless Principles of Leadership (US Army 1948) is "Know self, and seek self-improvement."I may occasionally disregard the "self-improvement" portion of this principle, but I am fully aware of the first portion. I fucking know Sloppy. I understand I am not the funniest bipedal humanoid, but I am funny. Furthermore, I know my particular brand of humor is not universally appreciated, and understand there a people who find it to be repulsive at best. Believe it or not, it is important for me to understand that.
Q: What do the workers at the abortion clinic say at lunchtime?
A: We're hungry, Fetus!
I made that joke up nearly twenty years ago. It is a perfect example of taboo dark humor. I find it comical. I don't go spouting this one-liner everywhere though. I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I am not a complete and utter retard either. My wife is in the medical field, and I wouldn't dare introduce that joke to any of her colleagues. It is vitally important I "know my audience" if I want to fool people into thinking I am fully functioning adult.
Know Your Audience
My wife and I are complete and total opposites; polar opposites. If we were actors, she is Christopher Reeve and I am Christopher Walken. The initial courtship revolved around a considerable amount of drinking, and aggressive cuddling. I was certainly aware we were different people, but I didn't fully realize how different we were until I was well into our married life. Then the kids came; one for each of us. Kelly is sweet, kindhearted, and very literal. Cake is my doppelganger. Cake Judo-chopped his way out of the baby-cave and has been a terrorist ever since.
I have myself a conundrum though. The key that controls my sense of humor snapped-off, and I have been running on "On" ever since I can remember. My humor is autonomic, and lacks a deliberate thought process at times. I instinctual make remarks before my brain has the ability to decide if it was appropriate. This creates parenting problems for Sloppy, specifically with Kelly.
Kelly: Why do older guys like Jennifer Anniston so much?
OP: I am not entirely certain. I think it has to do with her being on "Friends" and just generally a very wholesome MILF (Mother I'd Like to Fuck).
Kelly: Do you think she is hot?
OP: Boy, I'd eat a mile of her shit for the opportunity to tongue-punch her fart-box.
Kelly: You'd eat her poop?
The humor eluded him. He was very concerned that I would actually eat a mile of human shit. Actually, this may be a poor example. I am semi-certain I would eat a mile of Jennifer Anniston's shit to tongue-punch that fart-box. This was a very poor and very disturbing example. I now present example number two. This will help prove the aforementioned was not an isolated incident, and that Kelly's literalness can be a detriment.
Both of the boys were in my Garage Man-Cave last night watching the Miami Heat play the Boston Celtics. Kelly was intent on watching the basketball game, and I am fairly certain Cake was mentally determining what power tools would be the most painful torture devices. I bet some of you think I am fucking joking too.!?! My power tool collection is beautifully displayed on a metal peg-board wall. Cake refers to it as, "The Wall of Death."
Many Moons Ago (Maybe a Month)
Cake: Could you kill someone with INSERT POWER TOOL HERE?
OP: They are made for woodworking Cake. However, I suppose you "could" kill someone with most of them.
Cake: Cool! (Then runs off)
OP Brain: Lock the door. Now!
Again, Cake is my doppelganger. I don't personally think he is going to kill anyone, but I won't rule it out either. Anyways, Kelly is watching the basketball game, and Cake is being Cake.
Cake: Can I shoot the nail gun?
OP: Can your dick touch your butthole?
OP: It's from a joke about not being old enough.
Cake: What joke?
OP: (Busy Woodworking) Nope.
OP: Fine. Johnny's Grandpa is drinking bourbon and Johnny asked for a sip. Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your butthole?" Johnny said, "No!" Johnny's Grandpa then said, "You're not old enough then." Johnny's Grandpa was smoking a cigar later in the evening and Johnny asked, "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?" Johnny's Grandpa again asked, "Can your dick touch your butthole?" Johnny said, "No!" Johnny's Grandpa again said, "You're not old enough then." The next day they went fishing and Grandpa noticed Johnny was eating freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Johnny's Grandpa asked, "Where did you get those cookies?" Johnny said, "Grandma made them for me." Johnny's Grandpa then asked, "Can I get one of those cookies?" Johnny asked, "Can your dick touch your butthole?" Johnny's Grandpa had a smile on his face when he said, "Yes. It can." Johnny smiled back and said, "Good. Go fuck yourself. They're my chocolate chip cookies."
Cake: (Hysterical laughter) INAUDIBLE NOISES.
Kelly: That's impossible. There is no way you can bend a hard penis and have sex with yourself.
OP:(Puzzled) Have you tried?
Kelly: (Massive amounts of embarrassment) Dad. Stop.
Cake: (Unauthorized holding of nail gun and matter-of-fact voice) I think my pee-pee is long enough.
OP: Cake. Put that freaking nail gun back. Now.
That's great Sloppy. This is supposed to be a Hawk story Sloppy. Where in the fuck are you going with this? I have not led you astray Dear Reader. We are talking about Hawk. Hawk, like Kelly, he is a very literal person. This is a very desirable trait during a firefight. Hawk will immediately perform any direction I command during the lead jellybean exchange. However, free-range Hawk scares the living shit out of me. There are many areas in which Hawk excels, but commonsense is not one of them.
Hawk: How was your weekend Sergeant?
OP: Odd. I met this moderately attractive lady at Cafe Risque, and she invited me to her place. Imagine my surprise when I walk into her house and see a giant Nazi flag in her living room.
Hawk: That sounds like a big red flag to me.
No. This did not happen, but this scenario is very plausible. Is the moderately attractive lady being a Nazi supporter the "red flag" for Hawk? I honestly don't know, because I sincerely think Hawk would be oblivious to her White Supremacist prerogative, and simply think, "that's a big red flag." This is the Hawk that scares me the most! How about we talk about a time where literal Hawk scared me?
Dear Reader, please be cognizant that these Hawk stories will eventually end. I have a handful of Hawk stories rattling around my cranium. I will post a long one next week, but the Hawk story this week is short. However, I will put on my Yellow Bracelet ("I Cock-Blocked The Hawk Twice In One Night" reference) and do my best to "Drag" them out. I suggest you find another author if you don't like being put in the trunk of my car only to circle the block twenty times.
The deployment was successful and we were a few days away from departing Iraq. The majority of us were Armied-out. Everyone was dreaming about all the wonderful things we would do when we returned to American soil. The majority of younger Soldiers talked about alcohol and sex nonstop. I had dreams of adding another well-oiled midget to my collection in the attic dungeon. Nobody was interested in fuck-fuck games. However, the Army has a unique way of shitting in your Cheerios when you least expect it.
We had departed our temporary housing area for breakfast chow. The walk to the chow hall was nearly a mile. The Iraqi sun was unbearable, and the midday lunch trip was more akin to a death march. It only took three steps for the sweat and misery to start rolling down your ass-crack. The morning trip was the most bearable, and breakfast food is one of the few foods the Army has trouble fucking up. I am not saying Army cooks are incapable of fucking up bacon and eggs, but breakfast is typically the best meal of the day. Imagine our surprise as we near the chow hall to see a mile-long line.
Hawk: Why is the line so long Sergeant?
OP: Why the fuck would I know?
Hawk: Oh Yeah!
Why was the line so long though? Were the migrant cooks dissatisfied with the incredibly low hourly wages? We continued our disgruntled journey to find ourselves at the end of a nearly quarter-mile long line.
OP: (Pissed) What the actual fuck is going on here?
Hawk: I don't know Sergeant.
OP: It was rhetorical Hawk. Believe me, I "know" you don't know.
Hawk: Want me to go find out Sergeant?
OP: Yeah. Go ahead and do that!
I know Hawk is a literal person, but I didn't see any harm in letting him loose on a "find out" mission. I am not saying I didn't have any worries, but my "Oh My Fucking God, What did Hawk do now?" senses were low. It was late in the deployment and I was certainly complacent. "Complacency kills!" That phrase is often uttered during the end of the a deployment cycle. Mostly because it's true. Well fuck my tits! Hawk didn't kill me, but he certainly gave credence to the "complacency kills" motto. The Sea Monkey was gone for five minutes and came rushing back with an answer.
Hawk: There is a Four Star General at the door greeting people.
OP: Who told you?
Hawk: He did!
OP: (Oh Fuck) What do you mean, "he did"?
Hawk: The General.
OP: Hawk. We have talked about this. Remember? You need to be more specific with your answers.
Hawk: Right sergeant! I asked a couple Soldiers while I was walking up to the entrance and nobody knew why there was a long line. I eventually seen this guy at the door and I asked him; the General.
OP: What General was it, and what did you ask him?
Hawk: I said, "Hey Sir. What are you doing here?" Then he told me he was "thanking us" for our efforts. I don't know who he was. Just some General.
Rant: Just some General? There is not an infinite amount of fucking Four Star Generals. In fact, there are only seven of them in the Army. I have the intellectual capacity to rule some out, but I also know I can add some. Not that it fucking mattered, but I had my list narrowed down to three humanoids of God-level ranking humanoids. For the civilian readers, Hawk basically walked up to Jesus Christ and said, "What are you doing here?"
OP: Awesome. You can stand in front of me.
OP: So I know why I am getting fired.
My fucking god. Did we ever wait in that line. It was going to be lunch by the time we fucking ate. We eventually find ourselves a mere ten people behind the "General." I could now see the General was the U.S. Central Command (CENTCOM) Commander. This "General" is in charge of every military soul in the Middle-East. Not some. Not most. Everyone. Again, God-level echelons above me, and Hawk had already asked him why he was here! Awesome. I got nervous as the line inched forward, and shit my pants when Hawk was next. I had a turd-nugget roll down my pant leg and rest above my right boot as Hawk went to shake the CENTCOM Commander's extended hand.
It was against my better judgement, but I started to feel relieved. Maybe it was just a handshake, thank you, and see you later type ordeal? Another turd-nugget lodged itself above my left boot when it turned into a Question and Answer (Q & A) session.
OP Brain: You are literally watching the death of your career at the hands of Hawk, and you don't have any ammunition anymore. You are going to have to "go manual" when you kill him.
GEN: (Chuckle) Nice to see you again.
OP Brain: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Hawk: Good to see you Sir.
OP Brain: Smooth so far.
GEN: I'd just like to thank you for your service Specialist Hawk.
Hawk: I am proud to serve Sir.
OP Brain: (Happy) Damn. Hawk's got this shit!
GEN: I see you are a Grenadier (Grenade Launcher Guy)!
Hawk: Roger that Sir.
OP Brain: Now walk in the door. GO! GO! GO!
GEN: What do you say I ask you a question? If you get it right, you will get a coin (Giant "I am a Commander" coin), and I will knockout 25 pushups. If you get it wrong, you have to do the pushups. Deal?
OP Brain: NO. No deal Hawk. Walk in the chow hall.
Hawk: Deal Sir!
GEN: What's the maximum effective range of your grenade launcher?
OP Brain: Point or Area Target? I know Hawk knows both of them. Will he utter one, or go platinum and say "Point or Area target" Sir?
Hawk: About 30-feet Sir.
OP Brain: Fuck Everything And Run (FEAR).
GEN: (Straight fucking puzzled) WHAT?
OP Brain: You suck at running! Hawk has a chance at redemption though.
Hawk: 30-feet Sir!!!
OP Brain: Can my brain eat itself?
GEN: (Still puzzled) Why do you say that Specialist Hawk?
Hawk: I don't have any ammo Sir. I figure I can throw this thing about 30-feet!
OP Brain: Don't fucking move extremities. Let's see how this fucking thing plays out.
GEN: (Laughing hysterically) Well. It was not the answer I was looking for, but I suppose you are correct. Here (Presents coin and starts doing pushups).
OP Brain: (NOTHING. Nothing but astonishment)
GEN: (Still laughing) It was nice talking with you Specialist Hawk.
Hawk: (Oblivious) Talk to you later Sir.
OP Brain: I fucking hope not!
My conversation with the General was quick and painless. No I did not tell him I was Hawk's Team Leader. He would have asked why I forgot the leash. How about we just fast-forward? Like you have a choice.
OP: Is that all you're going to eat?
OP: You waited in line for nearly 45-minutes for Lucky Charms?
Hawk: I like the marshmallows.
OP: You have like ten boxes under your bed.
Hawk: Yup. How did your conversation with the General go?
OP: Faster and less awkward than yours. Eat your fucking cereal Hawk.
Hawk: Hey, at least I got a coin!
That's it. I sincerely appreciate you strapping in and taking that ride with me. I know! I could have simply wrote about the encounter with the CENTCOM Commander. It would have been short, and good for a small laugh. Writing is therapeutic though. I am by no means a "writer" but I enjoy giving you a small glimpse into my life, and this helps me to alleviate stress. The more I write, the less stress I have afterwards. Thus, the reason I spiral out of control and splinter off on random tangents. Some of you say I'm, "hard to follow." Agreed. Imagine how that feels being being me! I deal with it though. You can deal with it too I suppose.
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2020.10.01 00:38 QuadBoyo Milf sex live
For some reason having sex with single moms is such s turn on for me. At this point I specifically target them. Especially if they are around milf age and have sons that live home with them. A couple of times I hooked up with them while their sons were in the home still, just in different rooms. It was just an extra turn on to fuck their moms and have them realize their moms are kinda hoes. For them to have to hear their mom getting dicked down in the other room.
Is there anything morally wrong with my fetish? Too me it seems kinda wrong but it’s so intoxicatingly hot.
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2020.09.28 10:54 HaulA28Sepl2 Milf sex live
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2020.09.26 13:16 STThornton Tips for Cubs - Part One (since this keeps coming up)
I've been on reddit for a few weeks now, not really looking for anyone. Yet I can already see what other cougars are talking about.
I know this is not the place for dating advice, but the questions keep coming, and the answers are always the same. Some cougars have even taken the time to give more detailed answers, but you boys either didn't see those, or you're still not quite understanding what we mean.
So here is a way more detailed instruction manual that might help save fellow cougars the constant headache and might help cubs to have a bit more success. Yes, you boys are going to have to do some serious reading.
Cougars, please add to this whatever you feel is needed. Or correct as needed :)
Let's get started.
Rule Number One Know what you want!!
I cannot stress this enough. Saying you want a cougar is the equivalent of you saying you want a vehicle. You do realize that there are countless types of transportation, right? So you entering vehicle into the search engine is probably not the most conducive way of finding what you want. Neither is contacting every dealer of all types of vehicles in your country (or even the world) stating you're looking for a vehicle.
Now, I realize the majority of men, especially young men, is pretty much up for anything. Got news for you boys. Cougars aren't. We've been around the block a time or two and by now, we have a pretty good idea of what we like. Most of you already know that part, hence the constant questions. But there are a few things about women that men, in general, don't seem to understand. We'll get back to that later.
For now, back to the part of knowing what you want. There are multiple parts to this. Get out a pen and a piece of paper. Write down the answers to these questions. It's time for homework.
Part 1 - Find your target audience (the experience)
What kind of experience are you looking for?
Once again, I realize that a lof of men are pretty much up for anything. But this doesn't help the cougar looking for a specific cub. What. Do. You. Want? Is it a one-night-stand or fling or simply the fulfillment of a fantasy? Do you mainly want casual sex, but repeated encounters? Do you mainly want a friends-with-benifits type of situation? Do you want to date casually? Do you want an actual monogamous relationship? Do you want something even more serious and long-term?
I understand that you might be looking for a one-night stand and end up falling in love and getting married. Or want a serious LTR but be open to a one-night stand. But what is your MAIN goal?
That is the very first thing you need to establish. What do you actually want out of this experience?
Your online profiles or even simple messages clearly need to reflect your MAIN goal. If you do want something serious, don't feel like you need to act all cool and tough. If you want love and affection, make that clear. Likewise, don't pretend to want something more if you're looking for straight sex. We're not 20-year olds. We're too old for playing games. If a cougar likes you but wants something other than your main goal, she will probably check to see if you would be interested in something else. But leave that part up to her. Don't think you're going to miss out on sex because you stated LTR. If she wants you, she'll see if you're up for it.
Part 2 - Find your target audience (the cougar)
We already know that you want a vehicle/transportation. But what KIND? A sports car? A truck? A luxury sedan? An SUV? A jeep? A minivan? Something small and good on fuel? A dirtbike? A Harley? A sports spike? A freaking tractor? How about a train? A bus? A combine harvester? Or maybe a moped?
Yes, cougars come in all of those varieties. What we're not is mindreaders.
Nothing makes me roll my eyes like hearing you want a cougar. Ok. So, you're looking for a human. Preferably of the female variety. That really narrows things down.
Even if she IS looking for a cub, how will she know if she fits any of YOUR criteria? I know you're young and you mean well. And it's kind of flattering and sweet to see that you're in awe of an older woman and want one. But, come on! Give a cougar something to work with!
Having reached a certain age, we're no longer interested in being a man's "anything will do". You might want to post this on your bathroom mirror or your computer screen, and repeat it every day.
So, what is it that you picture when you think cougar? Stifler's mom/the MILF? A super sexy woman? A hot woman? An elegant, classy woman? A simple girl-next-door in an older version? A mother figure? A teacher? A woman with an elevated lifetstyle or one with simple tastes? A woman who really has her life together or one who might still be struggling, but getting by? A woman who's still a child at heart or the more serious type? A country girl or a city slicker? Highly romantic, cuddly, passionate or rough, primal fuck?
Short, tall, skinny, BBW, petite, larger frame? Very feminine, more masculine, or the healthy middle? More dominant, more submissive. Mid-range?
How about her style? Heels and evening dress, hot and sexy, jeans and t-shirt, sports wear? Which one would be your first pick? Which one would make you feel the most comfortable? Which one appeals to you the most when it comes to things you like?
Or how about one very important detail: Single only? Married/SO, cheating? Married/SO open relationship? All?
Give us some details!
I know, you're men. As long as she's attractive enough and nice enough, anything will do. SEE ABOVE! We're no longer interested in being a man's anything will do. A lot of cougars have spent a lot of years trying to please a man sexually, emotionally, and every other possible way. We're no longer interested in catering to just a man's desires and needs. Especially when it comes to sex, the roles are now reversed. You're catering to her fantasies (don't worry, it's not as scary as it sounds). But this applies also to relationships. That being said, we also care about what you want. So it's important for us to find someone we can have a mutually beneficial relationship or encounter with. Preferrably without trying too hard or having to go out of our comfort zones.
Now that you've (hopefully) narrowed the list down a bit (I'm assuming we're down to about half the world's human female population), let's make it a little bit smaller yet.
What kind of personality draws you the most? Strong, powerful? Soft, feminine? Bubbly? Serious? Introvert or extrovert? Bookworm, nerdy, geek? Confident? Shy? Take charge or follow? Adventurous? Reserved? Eager to try new things or prefers to stay in her comfort zone? World travel or considers the next town over a grand road trip? Spontaneous or a planner? Get your hands dirty or hire people for that? Manicure and hairstylist or ponytail, homemade color, and dollar store nail clippers? Etc.
Let me guess. Your mind just went blank. Men of all ages generally don't consider this too much. That's why they're having such a hard time dating. So I highly suggest that you spend a good bit of time picturing the type of person that you would feel really comfortable with. Write down what comes to mind. Personality only. Not interests.
And yes, to further narrow down the list (hopefully we're down to around a quarter of the world's human female population by now), here comes the interests.
What you focus on here is your own core values, core interests, and ideal core lifestyle (you might not be able to live it right now, but it makes all the difference).
What is the main core that your lifestyle evolves around? Why does this matter? Go back to the vehicle analogy, you'll have your answer. You don't seriously expect the cougar who has the door to her luxury car opened by a valet to climb into your muddy pick-up truck, do you? And don't think that outdoorsy jeans and t-shirt girl will go anywhere near your luxury upholstery with her dirty hands and clothes. The woman passionate about conservation will give your gas-guzzler of an SUV a dirty look. The compact hybrid would have impressed her. Get my drift? You might not think that it's all that important if you're just looking for sex. But it is. Whether looking for a relationship or just for sex, the cougar is looking for a certain experience. Who you are needs to match this!
Who is the woman you'd be the most comfortable around? The one whose core lifestyle or values match yours the best? Here are some ideas: Casual dining, beach bar, high-class restaurants, BBQ? Finger food or fine dining? Natural parks, zoos, historical sites, beaches, farmer's markets, arts and crafts and food festivals, anything outdoors? Couch potato, hang around the house? Classy/elegant or comfortable? Travel often on weekends or relax at home? City life or country girl? Operas, musicals, elegant events? Animal lover, involved or passionate about causes? Career or money oriented or interest oriented? High energy lifestyle or laid-back, casual? Loves kids or doesn't like them? Has kids or not? Religious/spiritual/faithful or atheist? Conservative leaning or liberal leaning ? Self-improvement or come as you are? Yoga and health food or burgers and fries? Loves to get her hands dirty or prefers to hire someone to do the dirty work?
What do you do the most in your spare time? What is important to you? What are you passionate about? What do you want to experience before you die? What is your ideal date? What is your ideal way of spending time with her (outside of sex, boys!! focus!)? You don't have to go into too many details. Just the very base core.
Once you put all of that together, you're starting to have a general picture of what kind of cougar you're actually looking for. Yes, it narrows down your options. But as it stands right now, you're sending 1000 messages and getting no replies. Certain fish need a certain lure. You can't just wiggle any worm at them (pun intended).
Your online profiles or even simple messages clearly need to reflect the TYPE of cougar you're looking for.
Part 3 - Sexual compatibility
Whether you're looking for a one-night stand or marriage, this is a MAJOR part. I realize that - being younger men - your experience might be limited or even non-existent. But here too, every person has a main core that doesn't change all that much over time. We can expand on it, we can play with other things from time to time, but the core doesn't change.
Once again, what are you looking for in a cougar? Do you want her to be dominant and take charge? Do you want her to gently guide or teach you? Do you want her to want you to be in charge? Do you want it to be pretty equal? Do you want her to be adventurous, the type who pushes limits or more reserved? Do you want her to be patient or demanding?
How about the experience? Rough, hard, primal? Dominant/sub either person in charge? Gentle, loving? Serious, passionate? Fun, playful? Exploratory or vanilla? Yes, you can mix certain elements. Others, not so much. Do you want a lot of feedback or instruction? Or subtle ways to let you know something is good? Would you prefer to talk about the experience after to see what you can improve or was good? Do you enjoy dirty talk or hate it?
Are there any kinks you specifically want to explore? Any kinks you want her to be into? How open are you to experiencing things out of the vanilla (doesn't have to be drastic)? How open do you want her to be? Do you have any absolute no's?
If you're looking for sex only, what is your goal/fantasy? Do you want to be a bull to cuckold couple? Fulfill a mommy fantasy? Fuck a MILF to scratch it off your list of things to do? Worship an older woman? Give someone a good pounding? Have a romantic or passionate night? Is cheating/open relationships a yes or a no? Is it a fetish or simply attraction? Are you looking to fulfill a kink? Do you want to learn and be taught? A simple casual encounter? Short term, long-term, one-night, FWB? Do you lean toward being more serving, more receiving, or very mutual?
I know, those can overlap. Once again: MAIN goals. Pick the one that represents you the best!
Yes, you want a little bit of everything. But, really! Give a cougar some idea of what she's working with! (this should be the theme banner for cougar subreddits) And no, I don't mean the equipment! Save that for when she asks you to see it. Equipment doesn't tell her jack shit about what you are like in bed. Unless she's a size-queen or particularly looking for a big cock (or runs from something too big), your equipment is pretty irrelevant. Sorry to break it to you guys.
One more thing: Since you're dealing with an older (and hopefully more mature) woman, be honest and communicate about things that you're not sure about or are afraid of. This could be as simple as you stating that you're worried about pleasing her, or that you don't know how to do certain things, or something more drastic, like trauma, bad experiences, anxiety (about performance or otherwise), etc.
Yes, a lot of cougars want a take-charge, confident man in bed. But a truly confident man knows his limits and has no issue admitting to them. Even if she does want a take-charge guy, the confident man might say "I'll give it my best try". That's all she wants. It doesn't have to be perfect, especially not the first time. It takes a while to get a good feel for each other in bed. And the fact that he's confident enough to try and confident enough to admit that it might not be perfect is super hot!
Either way, there is NOTHING worse than a man who brags about his skills! Because 99 out of a 100 times, they're not all that good. Even if they were good for other women, they might not work for her.
What a cougar wants most in bed, no matter what type of cub she's looking for, is a willingness to please and learn, And by willing to please I don't mean desperately overeager. Just willing, he cares about her pleasure and shows it. Even if she wants a take-charge man, she wants him to be willing to learn how SHE wants to be taken charge of. So don't mistake dominance for equalling know-it-all.
Once again: Your profile or message needs to reflect what kind or sexual experience you're looking for (both the cougar and the experience itself) if you're looking for just sex. VITALLY important.
Even if you're looking for a relationship, you need to know what your sexual baseline is. You can give mild hints of that in online profiles or messages. MILD!
On a side note: Birth control needs to be discussed. And accidents can happen. Before you do anything, make sure your ideals of what happens in case of accidental pregnancy align!
If you've done your homework, you should have a general, but rather good picture of exactly what kind of cougar you are looking for. And you learned three things:
1 - clearly let cougars know exactly what you're looking for in general. You MAIN goal.
2 - clearly let cougars know exactly what type of cougar you're looking for
3- if you're looking just for sex, clearly let cougars know what type of experience you're looking for. If you're looking for a relationship, give mild hints of your preferences. Especially if they're out of the vanilla/equal base.
That's it for Part One. Part Two (knowing your cougar's wants, likes, and needs) coming soon if there's interest.
submitted by STThornton to Cougars_Den [link] [comments]